USS Clueless: Earth to Timi

In The Office

Me: Is a carrot a root or a bulb?
Angie: It grows in the ground. I think it's a root
Me: And a beet is a bulb right?
Angie: I guess
Me: And an onion is a bulb too.
Angie: I guess
Me: So what's a potato?
Angie: Ummm...it's a starch.

Angie rolled her eyes and walked away from me after that answer. I don't think she was interested in taking the conversation any further.

At A Freshman Football Game

Nikki: Why do they keep tacklin each other?
Me: Because that's what they're supposed to do.
Nikki: When does the game end?
Me: When either team scores the most points by the end of the 4th quarter.
Nikki: Will they go to 10?
Me: 10 quarters?
Nikki: No. Are they playing to 10 points?
Me: This isn't street ball Nicole
Nikki: Oh. Can I go sit in the car?

Mase Is Preachin

Janie: Mase is supposed to be preachin at UD tonight.
Me: So I've heard
Janie: Who told you?
Me: A friend who still attends UD
Janie: Oh. Are you going?
Me: Uhhh no.
Janie: *laughs* Why you say it like that?
Me: like what?
Janie: Like I offended you by asking.
Me: I'm not offended. You just know me well enough to know that I wouldn't go see Mase preach.
Janie: *laughs again* Why?
Me: Do I need to give an explanation. I'm not interested in attending.
Janie: Everyone is well aware of you disdain for "big time" evangelists.
Me: Right. But I am intrigued.
Janie: Mase intrigues you? *she laughs again*
Me: I wonder if he'll perform "Breath, Stretch, Shake"
Janie: He'll be preaching T
Me: And? Why would that stop him from performing? It hasn't already.
Janie: You are sick. Of all his songs, why would he perform that one.
Me: Hey! Breath, Stretch, Shake would be an awesome intermission song. And then after intermission, he could perform "Welcome Back".
Janie: You need help
Me: Breath, Stretch, Shake would make an catchy sermon. *in my best preacher voice* "Breath in to me oh Lord. Huh. The breath of life. Stretch your spirit within me God. Huh. Renew God. SHAKE!...huh...the Devil off...huh. And God says, LET IT GO!"
Janie: Preach Preacha!
Me: *I start to dance* Let the church join in. BREATH STRETCH SHAKE. LET IT GO. BREATH STRETCH SHAKE. LET IT GO.
Janie: I can see that.
Me: Me too...Seriously

On Film Shorts & Televangelists

skillxiii: So it's all action!
skillxiii: now I can see it..
skillxiii: so BAM it opens and she's pacing talking to herself, and then BAM in walks an aide and then BAM a reporter is here, and then BAM Elton John is on the phone, and then BAM T.D. Jakes is on the phone too and then BAM in walks her over-the-top friend
U S S Clueless: Yea...something like that
U S S Clueless: lol
skillxiii: lol
U S S Clueless: with drama in between...but I want someone more radical than Jakes
U S S Clueless: someone like Rod Parsley
skillxiii: LOL
skillxiii: LOL
skillxiii: Rod Parlsey is a good actor
U S S Clueless: someone who is known for being outspoken against gays, abortion & stem cell research
skillxiii: I almost believe ALL the time
skillxiii: he always gets me!
U S S Clueless: lol@almost believe
skillxiii: lol
skillxiii: i was watching him do this infomercial for a Bible study tape..
U S S Clueless: and just so happens my over-the-top friend (in real life) attends his church and his very faithful to him
skillxiii: and it was with that health nut guy who says that you'll die from pork
U S S Clueless: He sent me a letter asking me for money and if I give money, he'll put my name on a brick
U S S Clueless: lol
skillxiii: LOL
skillxiii: LOL
skillxiii: LOL
skillxiii: and if you don't you get HIT with the brick
U S S Clueless: right
U S S Clueless: lol

Heck Yea!

U S S Clueless: Vote for Predro
bigblackfist: What?
U S S Clueless: Pedro offers you his protection
bigblackfist: da hell? Who's Pedro
U S S Clueless: Last week Japanese scientist placed explosive detonators at the bottom of Lake Loch Ness to blow Nessy out of the water...
bigblackfist: What the problem is woman?
U S S Clueless: Pedro is Napoleon's friend. I'm quoting Napoleon Dynamite. You should see it.
bigblackfist: I don't want to watch that.
U S S Clueless: WHY! It's good
bigblackfist: Is it really good?
U S S Clueless: Heck Yea! It's like the coolest movie ever!
bigblackfist: heck yea?
U S S Clueless: lol
U S S Clueless: It's really funny
bigblackfist: I'll take your word
bigblackfist: what are you gon do today?
U S S Clueless: Whatever I feel like doing! Ugh!
bigblackfist: you don't have to be rude. You gotta work?
U S S Clueless: no...i'm practicing to become a cage fighter
bigblackfist: Napoleon Dynamite said that too right?
U S S Clueless: No napoleon's brother Kip said it
bigblackfist: bye girl
U S S Clueless: NO DON'T LEAVE ME!
Auto response from bigblackfist: Back Up Off Me!
U S S Clueless: Friggin idiot! UGH!

Is That a Dog?

kgarris04: Your dog needs help
U S S Clueless: I don't have a dog
kgarris04: that thing on the left is trying to escape, but it keeps falling.
U S S Clueless: My buddy icon?
kgarris04: Yea that thing
U S S Clueless: That's not a dog. It's a facetious panda.
kgarris04: I'm in the 10th grade. I don't know what facetious means.
U S S Clueless: It's like calling someone awnry
kgarris04: It looks like a dog.
U S S Clueless: You have bad eyes